so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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