I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
