my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
