It's Friday. Sex?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
