i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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