I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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