I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Holy sore nipples Batman
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
