I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
