there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
