Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
