I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
