Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
