Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
