I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
its liver damage thursday
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