If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
