I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
