Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
