I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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