Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
