Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
