She went from zero to smokin in five shots
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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