that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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