please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
