defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
