I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
