it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
