Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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