Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
