another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
