I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
