apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
