I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
