If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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