If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
