I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
