This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
