It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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