im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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