mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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