No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
