Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
