my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
