i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
