I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
