She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
