2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
