Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
