She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
