Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Couch. On fire.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
