Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
